You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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