3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I currently don't understand fingers.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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