you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
