you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
