so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
