"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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