And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
