I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
