its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
