I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
