I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
