just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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