the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
