whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
