When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
