I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
