I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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