well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Let's get the cat blown out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
