Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
