i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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