I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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