i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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