Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
