I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
