Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
