I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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