he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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