Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
