I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
