If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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