her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
