Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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