Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
