so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
