She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
