I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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