I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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