She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
