I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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