one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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