She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
