how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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