Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
