we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Found the puke drawer
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
