sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
