Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
