haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
