first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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