there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
