I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
