i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
